Hello Kitty, Kill, Kill

“What me? Oh, I make these great necklace charms combining my love of brand names with my love of trademarked icons… Art is so easy!! I just take other people’s garbage and my old scrapbook punches and go to town while I watch tv! This way I don’t waste a single pop can OR even one ounce of creativity! It’s so fun and… hey! Where are you going?”

Monkeys ARE scary

We admit that there is nothing inherently awful about this costume’s execution, but we can’t help agreeing with the pictured monkey himself:

“Sock monkey costume? Mom? Really?”

Bored with your old holes?

This year, say it with a chest va-j.

Tie Die

“Honey!? Do you remember that time a few years ago when we distracted your sister’s kids with some RIT and the sheets we found that hobo wrapped in? Did they do that  in a bucket in the garage, ’cause I think I just found it?”

Sneeze Guard?

If we wore this, we would never escape the feeling that we were being felt up by a persistent perverted ghost.

Regardless, please heed our warning: jewelry should not give you breast exams.

Your Beaver Looks Tired

No! We absolutely did NOT specifically search for crap beaver projects just so we could use this headline.

Shut up.

Cape Fear

We can only guess that this was inspired by the very rare Webbed-Tentacled Spider Squid, known to frequent shallow well-water in the Appalachian Mountains.

In case you wondered, it’s the bow that makes it dressy.

Breast milk is for closers

This is a custom shirt for crafty moms to slap on the torso of their precious spawn. You’re supposed to fill in the craft of your choice.

From the clearly crack-addled item description:

“When people see your little one all decked out in The Most Adorable Handmade items ever, they won’t have to wonder where you got them, they will know you are the source. And because they know you are the source, they will come up and ask you about them. And when they come up and ask you about them, they will want some of their own. And when they want some of their own, they will buy them from you. And when they buy them from you, you now have more money to spend on your crafting addiction.”

It almost makes us wish we had a kid, so we could get this shirt with the custom message “My mom made me pimp her out.”

Your Mom

Is it us or does this doll imply that, even in the afterlife, you expect your mom to wear an apron and keep cranking out the baked goods? What an amazing gift to give the lady who, in theory, raised and nurtured you.

The best part of this, the perfect gift for the lady who shoved you painfully out of her Va-J, is the one-two punch of the apron text, “Mothers are angels in disguise,” combined with the fact that this doll is ACTIVELY FROWNING.

For The Deciders, it’s not that far a stretch to imagine an eternally dissatisfied mama in the sky… ours would be sans-cookies, though, because clearly we don’t deserve them.

Glasshole.

Aside from how garish and horrible these would be in the possesion of anyone who isn’t a 6-year-old girl, we were compelled to post these hand painted wine glasses because of their description:

“…perfect gift for your equestrian girlfriends!”

So, if you’re currently fucking a bevy of horses, now you know what to get them for their birthday.