What Not To Craft

Apple bottom

The Deciders — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 04:05:37 +0000

We know what you’re thinking… You’re thinking “My goodness, I certainly love the fresh zesty taste of an apple, but I wish my apple could be both more modest and allude to a woman’s part all at the same time.”

Here’s your Vagapple. Happy now?

What did you eat on Thanksgiving?

The Deciders — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 07:46:38 +0000

Some people eat turkey. Others gobble something else.

And then rinse.

And then paint a handbag about it.

Hello Kitty, Kill, Kill

The Deciders — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 01:59:52 +0000

“What me? Oh, I make these great necklace charms combining my love of brand names with my love of trademarked icons… Art is so easy!! I just take other people’s garbage and my old scrapbook punches and go to town while I watch tv! This way I don’t waste a single pop can OR even one ounce of creativity! It’s so fun and… hey! Where are you going?”

Monkeys ARE scary

The Deciders — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 16:59:05 +0000

We admit that there is nothing inherently awful about this costume’s execution, but we can’t help agreeing with the pictured monkey himself:

“Sock monkey costume? Mom? Really?”

Bored with your old holes?

The Deciders — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 00:58:02 +0000

This year, say it with a chest va-j.

Tie Die

The Deciders — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 09:18:40 +0000

“Honey!? Do you remember that time a few years ago when we distracted your sister’s kids with some RIT and the sheets we found that hobo wrapped in? Did they do that in a bucket in the garage, ’cause I think I just found it?”

Sneeze Guard?

The Deciders — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 05:47:21 +0000

If we wore this, we would never escape the feeling that we were being felt up by a persistent perverted ghost.

Regardless, please heed our warning: jewelry should not give you breast exams.

Your Beaver Looks Tired

The Deciders — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 00:37:42 +0000

No! We absolutely did NOT specifically search for crap beaver projects just so we could use this headline.

Shut up.

Cape Fear

The Deciders — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 05:46:17 +0000

We can only guess that this was inspired by the very rare Webbed-Tentacled Spider Squid, known to frequent shallow well-water in the Appalachian Mountains.

In case you wondered, it’s the bow that makes it dressy.

Breast milk is for closers

The Deciders — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 16:02:15 +0000

This is a custom shirt for crafty moms to slap on the torso of their precious spawn. You’re supposed to fill in the craft of your choice.

From the clearly crack-addled item description:

“When people see your little one all decked out in The Most Adorable Handmade items ever, they won’t have to wonder where you got them, they will know you are the source. And because they know you are the source, they will come up and ask you about them. And when they come up and ask you about them, they will want some of their own. And when they want some of their own, they will buy them from you. And when they buy them from you, you now have more money to spend on your crafting addiction.”

It almost makes us wish we had a kid, so we could get this shirt with the custom message “My mom made me pimp her out.”