Category Archives: For Kids

Monkeys ARE scary

We admit that there is nothing inherently awful about this costume’s execution, but we can’t help agreeing with the pictured monkey himself:

“Sock monkey costume? Mom? Really?”

sock monkey costume

Advertisements

Breast milk is for closers

This is a custom shirt for crafty moms to slap on the torso of their precious spawn. You’re supposed to fill in the craft of your choice.

il_fullxfull67555825

From the clearly crack-addled item description:

“When people see your little one all decked out in The Most Adorable Handmade items ever, they won’t have to wonder where you got them, they will know you are the source. And because they know you are the source, they will come up and ask you about them. And when they come up and ask you about them, they will want some of their own. And when they want some of their own, they will buy them from you. And when they buy them from you, you now have more money to spend on your crafting addiction.”

It almost makes us wish we had a kid, so we could get this shirt with the custom message “My mom made me pimp her out.”

Jesus was felted for your sins!

0c79_12

So for the price of only one needle felted Jesus, you get two from this Ebay listing. Lesson: Lord loves a bargain.

The first is “Crucifiction Jesus.” The artist is making a statement by having Jesus stand on a coin, signifying the relationship of the money changers with… oh, wait… no, that’s just for scale. Right. 

Cruci-sus should be marked down because it looks to us like this artist had a boo-boo and bled all over… oh, wait… we get it. That’s where he still feels the nails. Classy.

The second piece you get is “Jesus Risen” and it looks like he loves you T H I S   MU C H. Only thing that’d make it better is if self-rising Jesus was smilin’. Since this is Waldorf, they have to be expressionless so the kids who play with them have the freedom to emote… first the screams of agony, then the plop-plop-fizz-fizz sigh of born again relief.

Gross.

Graham crackers, chocolate and the Baby Jesus??

We thought the body of Christ was supposed to be represented in some kind of flavorless cracker, not a tasteless craft kit. “Marshmallow Nativity” would be a great name for a band, though.