Your Beaver Looks Tired

il_430xN.13853611

No! We absolutely did NOT specifically search for crap beaver projects just so we could use this headline.

Shut up.

Cape Fear

We can only guess that this was inspired by the very rare Webbed-Tentacled Spider Squid, known to frequent shallow well-water in the Appalachian Mountains.

spider

In case you wondered, it’s the bow that makes it dressy.

Breast milk is for closers

This is a custom shirt for crafty moms to slap on the torso of their precious spawn. You’re supposed to fill in the craft of your choice.

il_fullxfull67555825

From the clearly crack-addled item description:

“When people see your little one all decked out in The Most Adorable Handmade items ever, they won’t have to wonder where you got them, they will know you are the source. And because they know you are the source, they will come up and ask you about them. And when they come up and ask you about them, they will want some of their own. And when they want some of their own, they will buy them from you. And when they buy them from you, you now have more money to spend on your crafting addiction.”

It almost makes us wish we had a kid, so we could get this shirt with the custom message “My mom made me pimp her out.”

Your Mom

Is it us or does this doll imply that, even in the afterlife, you expect your mom to wear an apron and keep cranking out the baked goods? What an amazing gift to give the lady who, in theory, raised and nurtured you.

17336_product_1762020876_thumb_large

The best part of this, the perfect gift for the lady who shoved you painfully out of her Va-J, is the one-two punch of the apron text, “Mothers are angels in disguise,” combined with the fact that this doll is ACTIVELY FROWNING.

For The Deciders, it’s not that far a stretch to imagine an eternally dissatisfied mama in the sky… ours would be sans-cookies, though, because clearly we don’t deserve them.

Glasshole.

il_430xn66067920

Aside from how garish and horrible these would be in the possesion of anyone who isn’t a 6-year-old girl, we were compelled to post these hand painted wine glasses because of their description:

“…perfect gift for your equestrian girlfriends!”

So, if you’re currently fucking a bevy of horses, now you know what to get them for their birthday.

“Happy Easter LOL”

il_430xn16850670

We like to imagine he’s updating his Twitter… status now reads:

“Jesus has risen.”

Just plain “Pass.”

il_430xn64230263

This thing you’re looking at is a Kippot, Yarmulka, or what some call the Jewish Skull Cap. This one has frogs on it. Fun, right?

Only thing is that these frogs commemorate one of the ten plagues that “God” allegedly reigned down on the Egyptians for not letting people go or something and now they call it Passover.

By now, you are well aware that The Deciders don’t dig on “God” but we do love that the people who DO can find his menacing, dangerous and unpredictable behavior somehow adorable and then make stuff you can wear on your head to commemorate it. 

We suppose the frog plague is safe for beanies because that shit happened to the Egyptians and not the Jews, but we’d like to remind the ones who worship that the “Lord” turns on a dime… ask Moses… or Noah… or Adam & Eve… or…

Anyway, the best part of this Etsy listing is the title, which reads

Frogs jumpin frogs Passover plagues kippah really cute and fun for Pesach Seder

We can only hope that the next plague to be beanie-fied will be the “Death to all first-born Egyptian children” one, because we guess the title would read

Babies dying babies Passover plagues kippah really cute and fun for Pesach Seder

and that would be sublime.